Will I ever be good enough?
I am not the girl “you” will take home to to meet the family.
I am not the girl who’s hand “you” will hold in front of “your” friends.
I am not the girl “you” will call in “your” moments of despair or victory.
I am not the girl “you” will cuddle on “your” lonely nights.
To be good enough I have to eradicate “you” of “your” fears.
Fear of what people will think of you, of us, of me.
Fear of letting me into “your” space, the physical , the emotional, the dark.
Fear of intertwining “your” life with mine. Your baggage, my baggage, our baggage.
With so many conflicting ideas stemming from each worldly individual’s perspective. I will never truly understand what it means to be “good enough” I am not “good enough” to be a Christian, not “good enough” to have my father’s approval, not “good enough” to get “you” out of “your” comfort zone, not “good enough” to meet the standards I set for myself, just not “good enough.”
Who am I? I’m a human, a so called evolved species. Cognito ergo sum. Which should make me less susceptible to the influence of others yet somewhere in my evolution emotions hinder my cognition. Some may argue having emotional depth is a form of intelligence yet emotions drive us to the most irrational acts.
Emotions… Though they carry a denotation there are aspects of all emotions that are indescribable. No combination of words can sum up “the feels.” No version of “the feels” are the same. “The feels” may even stem from similar situations yet can never be replicated.
So I guess, no matter how truly, genuinely and wholeheartedly I feel for “you.” No matter how much security I can offer. No matter how deeply I can understand “you.” If “you” don’t let me, I will never be “good enough.